Archive for November, 2008

Nov 30 2008

Everybody Agrees

Published by Peter under New York

New York subway… working 24-7 but never fails to fail you.

For those of you unfamiliar with this system, at least a couple of routes are “under service” every weekend, and sometimes also on weekdays.  Flyers like this are everywhere, just like the cockroaches.

The bitter comment is not at all unreasonable.  The same crappy subway is still slow, dirty, and unreliable after every service.  The 7 line was “under construction” for months in a row, and had to go back to maintenance again two weeks after “normal service” resumed.  When you pass by the labor workers:

  • 20% of them would have a tool or radio in their hands
  • 10% of them would be eating a sandwich or from a lunch box
  • 50% of them would be sitting down
  • 5% of them would be laying down
  • 5% of them, if you’re lucky, would be actually doing something on the track

Makes me want to join a union too.

No responses yet

Nov 30 2008

Chess Victory

Published by Peter under Entertainment

This is the most extreme chess victory I’ve ever come across: winning with two rooks, two knights, two bishops, two queens, and the majority of the pawns, after slashing just about everything from the opponent:

 

No responses yet

Nov 28 2008

Rum & Coke

Published by Peter under Uncategorized

I stepped off the train.  This was the first time I’ve seen Penn Station this empty.  And I was glad.  I wore a baggy hat, a baggy scarf, a baggy coat, and even had four things in the coat pockets.  Then I had one baggy bag on one shoulder, and another baggy bag on another shoulder.  I felt fat - the extended kind of fat; the kind of fat that made me walk sideways through the train door; the kind of fat that made me glad it was the morning after Thanksgiving.  The commuters who would usually crowd up this platform, those who secretly wished each other to be pushed onto the tracks and run over; those who locked their eyes on their Blackberry or phone or newspaper so that they could pretend they didn’t mean to as they pushed each other out of the way, were now either sleeping in the warmth of their homes or pushing each other out of the way at the Black Friday sales.  Ah the Black Friday sales.  I thought about going, too, but I was too baggy of a person to survive in a jungle of uncivilized shoppers.  On top of that, where would I find money to buy anything in this economic depression?

Speaking of depression, a lot of those used-to-be commuters must be crying in the warmth of their homes after series of layoffs by just about every major employer.  I should probably work harder to avoid the next wave of layoffs.  After all, I won’t regret never experiencing the Great Depression myself.  That’s right, I should work harder.  Came into mind was the project plan that I should’ve sent out two days ago but didn’t go out because I skipped out of work early.  Skipping work sort of contradicted working hard, neither did missing deadline.  Maybe… I should work harder.  Stepping out of the tunnel to the brisk Seventh Avenue morning chill, I decided to walk toward the office on this holiday.

Putting down the left shoulder bag, the right shoulder bag, the baggy hat, scarf, and coat, I breathed a sigh of relief.  The relief from being extendedly fat.  Oh yeah I also took out the four things from the coat pockets and left them on my office desk.  The bags were really heavy because of the vodka and rum that I brought for the Thanksgiving dinner with family.  Good stuff they were, but the problem was that there were too much good stuff.  Who ever thought of drinking vodka with turkey, and who in the right mind cared for a mojito on a wintery night?  Ice wine beat them out in popularity, so they only served as decorative bottles after being unfrozen from my fridge and frozen and unfrozen again in the family fridge.  I brought them from Queens to Manhattan to Queens to Manhattan to Jersey and back in Manhattan again.  They were soon to return to Queens without even being opened.  They might make the record for the most travelled hard liquor.  I suddenly wanted a rum & coke.

My thirst for the rum & coke escalated.  No reason, honestly, or maybe there was a reason.  I stared at the water bottle next to the laptop and then stared at the coffee mug next to the phone.  Would it not be interesting to drink, and by drink I mean the happy hour sort of drinking, right here in this office?  I’d have consumed enough liquids and caffeine in this stressful environment so maybe it’s time to try something different while nobody was here to lay me off.  This would be the first time I drank in the morning and it’d be the first time I drank in the office.  Actually that sounded like Great Depression already.

I walked into the kitchen to find coke for my rum & coke.  I didn’t need much; just a little bit to symbolize this office drinking event would be enough.  I walked toward the fridge and was amazed by the number of water bottles left in there… I must not be the only one who skipped work before Thanksgiving.  When people work hard or moderately hard or even slack off just a little bit, the daily supply of water wouldn’t last more than three hours.  So, good, there was water.  And there was Hawaiian Punch and Canada Dry and Seltzer Water.  No Coke.  No joke.  Ah.  It’d be pretty hard to make rum & coke with no coke.  And by no Coke, I meant there was no Pepsi, either.  There wasn’t even a diet version of either of those left, not that I’d ever be sad enough to resort to a diet soda.  Damn it.  I opened the fridge and closed it.  The nasty free sample of Pom Iced Coffee that I put in there was still in there.  How come nobody wanted to try it?  And how come there was no Coke?

Frustrated, I took out a can of Hawaiian Punch and walked back toward my cubicle.  It wasn’t exactly that sad, actually, because now I could make vodka punch.  In fact, I’d much prefer vodka over rum.  I sat down in my nice ergonomic office chair, thinking how comfy this chair was and how the chiropractor told me that no matter how good the chair was working twelve-hour days in it would still be really bad for my back.  I reached into the bag that used to be on my left shoulder and unwrapped the t-shirt and plastic bag around the frosted glass bottle.  I pulled out the 750ml Grey Goose and it was dripping water from the defrosting process from the freezer.  I pulled the cork out of the bottle neck, and noticed a slightest scratch on the beautifully frosted glass bottle.  Damn it.  When did I scratch this?  I carefully examined the little white marks next to the “40% ALC/VOL” label, and wondered if the defect came with it from the liquor store.  Sigh.  Oh well.  I bought this Grey Goose for the vodka; for the beautiful bottle I still had my Belvedere at home.  No need to think too much at this point.  Remember how I came into the office so I could work harder?  I poured two drips of Grey Goose into the paper cup of ice, and filled it with Hawaiian Punch.  A droplet of the hot pink beverage remained on the top of the can.  I licked it off.  I held up the paper cup and had a sip of my first cocktail in the office.  Oh this was also the first time I had a cocktail from a paper cup.

I looked at the scratch on the Grey Goose bottle one more time and thought about this short essay that I read the other day.  It inefficiently used a lot of words to describe a small scene, going on paragraphs after paragraphs without really telling any story.  I thought it was an interesting essay, and now I thought I could try to write something like it.  Putting down the frosted glass bottle, I decided that I’d write an essay just like it but in English.  Maybe I would also mention in the essay how I needed to work harder and send out the project plan.

No responses yet

Nov 25 2008

從一則 色情廣告 得到的啟思

Published by Peter under Chinese

信箱中收到一張廣告明信片
推銷著新開幕的脫衣舞夜總會
卡片一面號稱
 來此體驗全紐約最美艷的成人娛樂
另一面則註明
 決不超過四個醜陋舞者
還印了一位上妝後勉強算是長相平平的小姐
披著大約遭受經年漂染而乾枯的長髮
穿著銀色蛇皮內衣,看起來有點廉價

收到這份廣告的心情
已不是「啼笑皆非」可以形容
第一反應是
 哇賽!
 這廣告超爛!
 有沒有概念啊?
並理性地做出以下分析
 如果「至多四醜女」已可號稱「紐約最美」,
 那普通型、經濟型的脫衣舞秀不知又是如何?
 造訪煙花巷弄難道是花錢買針眼?

唉,雖說這不是老子本行
但才高六斗的我對於「行銷包裝」也是有點概念的
誰教我的呢?台灣的政治新聞嘛!
就以這個月的三大頭條來說
 圓山圍城
 草莓遍野
 阿扁閉關
無一不是足以讓這間牛肉場借鏡的好模樣

*******

圓山圍城一役,源自於對岸官員應邀來台
反對人士集會遊行,炫耀寶島人民的言論自由
深怕對方近視沒看清楚
抱著比歌星簽唱會時更熱情的態度
率眾包圍圓山
並拿出各式各樣看家本領
布條、氣球、汽油彈
拳頭、棍棒、礦泉水
連他們阿公埋在後院的國旗及愛國歌曲錄音帶
都被掘了出來吸引觀眾注意

唉呦誤傷了警員民眾百餘人,斷手斷腳的
領導人馬上回復謙遜的本態
保證一切過失都是黑道份子有心潛入,非戰之罪
淋漓盡致地呈現了該黨份子老練的推銷手法
勇往直前、矢口否認

同樣的技巧,可以用來推銷色情行業
勇往直前,費用砸下去了就該賣得絕
為了大力描述本店的勁爆火辣、精彩刺激
誰管有多少隻恐龍肆虐
都該說成清一色沉魚落雁、亮麗動人的絕色尤物
若說真的一個上相的也沒有
那就上網抓些女優、名模寫真
剪剪貼貼移花接木來吸引廣告收件者吧!
這不是醜媳婦總要見公婆的問題
而叫做醜媳婦先娶進門
公婆再見到也來不及啦!

怕捅婁子嗎?怕啥?
哪個吃飽了撐著去控告廣告不實
告訴他們:駭客入侵印刷廠,竄改了廣告內容
真的責任不在此,本店也深表遺憾啊!
乾坤大挪移,不就一個「卸」字?
再說店裡那些門神保鑣插手一站
還有幾多個膽敢多管閒事嗎?

無論黑道、黃道
只要掌握到這個絕竅
宣傳行銷便成功了十之八九

*******

草莓遍野是於圓山圍城之後
一種聲東擊西、緩和情勢的手段
就像演場會在最高潮歌曲後不能馬上結束
非得要排演一曲安可才會賣座

媽呀政府批准了遊行但手續麻煩
唉呦活動傷殘了警民過百但沒扁到該扁的
該是時候重上街頭
抗議法律違憲妨礙言論自由
強迫政府賠罪承認執法過當

反對人士畢竟臉皮薄
頭條才登完不好意思馬上再度上報
便派遣幾個清純可愛的大學仔
打著中立、正直的口號
憨憨演出一場遭人迫害的默劇
先曉之以理
 因為受高等教育的國家未來主人翁一定明理
 而且避重就輕之下啥都說得通
再動之以情
 看那可憐的阿嬤在陰雨中拉菜籃打傘送肉圓去
 聽那孝孫的阿公在寒風中懇求傻仔回家的呼喊
這樣如何能不打動有理有情的民眾
來正面回應這些名校學生的瞎訴求呢?

所謂草莓「遍野」其實只有小貓兩三隻
不過在媒體巧秒的用字遣詞之下
圍觀的群眾、過路的行人
恐怕連整車的日本遊客都被算進去
十幾人呆坐被宣染成上千聚眾
也就是上述「勇往直前」宣傳法
但史稱野草莓的運動所教導我們更重要的
是一個合情合理包裝的重要性

對一個色情行業來說
大規模經營的最大阻力便是社會輿論
所以這該從老古板及假正經那邊下手
先曉之以理
 標榜其夜店合法經營 帶動經濟繁榮
 脫衣舞者受專業訓練 賣藝不賣身
 而且絕對現代化收費 可刷各大信用卡
再動之以情
 找脫衣舞孃陳述個掰出的動人心弦故事:
 立志前往英國皇家舞蹈學院進修的她
 一面打工存錢
 一面培養跳舞藝術的技巧與涵養
 能夠幫助她完成夢想的貴人
 不外乎這間脫衣舞夜店
 以及夜以繼日來消費的大爺您啊!

如此一來
那些為種種因素心存猶疑的人們
必能涕淚俱下
而理直氣壯來捧場

*******

阿扁閉關之所謂閉關,入獄也
不過對於前任元首
字面上還是謹慎為宜
因為怕被告毀謗

從第一件弊案開始
此人無惡不作、無善不忌
但堅忍不拔的他總能夠自圓其說
無懼大眾眼光
查他帳 反告內亂外患
爆他料 再告毀謗誣陷
掀他底 都是內人搞鬼
定他罪 一心一意為台灣奮鬥
上他銬 絕食裝烈士死給你看
從大義凜然到大義滅親
如蟑螂一般的韌性
成為世人的表率

圓山圍城及草莓遍野
啟發了我們對於脫衣夜店
廣告行銷的種種技巧
但說到其中精隨
不好好觀摩阿扁閉關的前後發展
是很難心領神會的
而那精隨就是簡單八個字
放下誠信
立地發達

別隨便跟人家學甚麼誠信
啥人需要誠信?
賣水果的攤販需要講誠信
因為西瓜不甜顧客可以翻臉
但是,嫖客如果在進行交易的時候問:
 啊妳廣告上不是說美眉樂園嗎?
 怎麼是侏儸紀公園?
可能會被控告毀謗
如果面對的是前總統就一定會

少了誠信負累
保證生意興隆、財源滾進
很快就會有幾十億可以存往國外

*******

不要以為色情夜店和台灣政治是兩碼子事
夜店顧名思義是在夜晚的天空下經營的行業
而在光害嚴重的城市裡,晚上看不到星星
所以夜空和政客的心肝有著同樣的顏色

既然性質相同,彼此觀摩乃天經地義
光會跳鋼管舞有啥子用?
多向這些高學歷的同行請教吧!
別忘了

知恥近乎勇
無恥飛更高
保證不會太超過!

One response so far

Nov 20 2008

Ape Peter

Published by Peter under Entertainment

My perfect life.  On stage in Beijing (but it’s over by now).

Tim found this ad in a cab.

No responses yet

Nov 16 2008

Taiwan

Published by Peter under Vacation

So as you know (maybe you don’t), I took two weeks off to visit Taiwan.  Gotta do that once in a while to remind my friends of my existence… and remind myself of theirs.  Also it was needed to recharge the Chinese/Taiwanese in me.

While I was there, I had some thoughts everyday that I wanted to write down.  But now, of course I can’t handle that much at once… so I’ll just post a few pictures instead…

Laser tag… with Rabbit, Bear, EnTing

Karaoke Round 1

Middle school gang

Middle school gang

Chillin’ in the Google office

Taipei from the 73rd floor

Found this in a car near my elementary school… we used the exact same thing for a school performance during 3rd grade… good memories…

How do you get anything out of this over-stuffed machine?

Mom & Hong’s Grandma

Taichung Park

Karaoke Round 2 with Grace

九份 Jiu Fen… the “old streets”

Ice cream with Dad after an amazing hotpot buffet

It’s a tunnel boring machine (TBM) behind me.  Learned about this many times from Discovery and National Geographic, so excited to see it in person.  This is a small one used to drill the new subway line by my house.

2 responses so far

Nov 14 2008

Speaking Your Language

Published by Peter under Chinese

Tim says:
     像是”化黑盆”就是what happened?
Peter says:
     來試試看
Tim says:
     篇棍就是”penguin”
Peter says:
     賴斯踹依
Tim says:
     諾
Peter says:
     外諾
Peter says:
     外納
Tim says:
     一絲浩德
Peter says:
    一絲胎嬰
Tim says:
     胎兒英?
Peter says:
    味喔…
Tim says:
     哈哈
Peter says:
     哈哈 一絲取停
Tim says:
     所花特 =P
Peter says:
     屋依 許德 破絲忒 提斯 盎濫
Tim says:
     哇嗚 戴特 瓦斯 顧得
Peter says:
     一絲 吐 胎兒纓
Tim says:
     來思 司打鋪
Peter says:
     唉 屋歐 絲搭普

No responses yet