Little Roach is not a small roach. Measuring in at 1.8 and rounding up to 2.0 inches, Lil’ R always makes mommy proud. Today, his buddies invited him to restaurant-hop for some delicious Japanese, Malaysian, and Argentine leftovers. Unfortunately, he took one exit too early in NYC’s underground express and ended up in a dinky fitness club. Hey, even the mightiest of them all could still sometimes mistaken the smell of human sweat for rotten delicatessen.
Though lost, Lil’ R remained content. There was something about this place that could calm a cockroach. The dark rubbery floor helped him blend in even in fluorescent light, and its soft touch allowed his silent footsteps to be even more quiet. He felt like a super ninja, moving swiftly in disguise. He trekked with confidence from one side of the room to the other; and he trekked back. Being an invisible ninja was awesome, and it’d be so much better if only he knew where he was going.
Lil’ R continued trekking across the room. However, little did he know that there were lurking dangers about in this dinky room full of heavy metal parts and giant warm-blooded monsters. Also little did he know, that the monsters had already noticed his “stealth” moves.
The first to react was Rice Boi #1. Though facing up on a bench, his natural senses from the Continent of All-Martial-Arts-Including-Ninjitsu had realized Lil’ R being in his close proximity. He stared at this amature ninja through those prescription lenses, and continued staring as he finished that set of bicep curls. Entirely disgusted, as soon as he put down those dumbells, Rice Boi #1 headed directly out the door and vanished from the room.
Also equipped with sharp senses and prescription lenses, Rice Boi #2 might have been the first of the giant monsters to notice Lil’ R’s presence. Not wanting to disturb each other’s peace, he planned his moves wisely to maintain a minimum distance of 3-5 feet from Lil’ R. But not everyone stayed out of the little ninja’s way – Big Amigo saw him on his way to switch barbell plates, frowned for a second and kicked like he would to his national sport of football. Big Amigo’s big tennis shoe smashed into Lil’ R and sent him flying – after the last bounce on the dark rubbery floor almost landing within the 3-foot radius from Rice Boi #2. Lil’ R’s hard-shell defence kept him unharmed, but this sudden move nearly sent Rice Boi #2 over the edge of freaking out. God knew whether he could have exploded into a Super Saiyan then stomp Lil’ R flat and rip Big Amigo apart. Thank goodness – all was good and no animal was harmed in the process.
“Fuck this,” Lil’ R thought, “I can’t find my way out of here. I’ll just ascend to ground level and break into those restaurants through the front door.” Wow. The ground level. It was a treacherous world out there – two or three of his brothers were found dead on that sidewalk every morning. But as someone determined to lead his community into Roach Global Domination, Lil’ R had no fear. Once with his mind set, he started climbing… but while the black rubbery surface was easy, the while dry wall starting at a few inches from the floor was extremely difficult to grip onto. He went up and down, up and down, up and down…
Stumbling left and right by the 35lb barbells and 90lb dumbells, he was at risk of instantly turning into roach flakes if any of those shifted or fell. He climbed over the heavy-bag stand and trekked underneath the yoga ball, too busy fighting the tough terrain to realize another giant monster in the vicinity. White Haired White Guy turned his head while doing leg shuffles on a gym mat, and blew as hard as his powerful lung would allow. Lil’ R held on tight… his mom didn’t give him six legs for no reason. When the time was right, he fled from White Haired White Guy.
The second ascending attempt was onto the leg curl machine. Unlike the average rusty pipes in the city, this metal rod with a glossy finish was impossible to climb. He fell – much worse than before – onto his back. Big time screw up! Like a turtle being flipped over, Lil’ R waved for help with all six legs in the air. He kicked, twisted hip, and attempted to flap those wings. Eventually, he flipped back over on his feet, but it sure was the struggle of a lifetime. Exhausted and mentally defeated, Lil’ R laid down under the weight plates at the shoulder press machine. He was no longer thinking about the restaurant hop or the Roach Global Domination. He just wanted to go home and have a good night of sleep. Well, maybe this place will do…
Just as he was about to put down those antennas and close his eyes, Negro Dude sat down at the shoulder press…
What the hell, I’ve written more stories about roaches than about any other animal in this past year.