For the past six months, I’ve been going to the local 24-Hour Fitness several times per week. Other gym regulars who workout around 8am on weekdays quickly became the people that I see most often. Here are some of the most memorable characters
Powerhouse Retirees
You can count on this advanced-aged duo to show up every morning like clockwork. The short white dude has a granddad-bod and looks Medicare eligible, but can easily out-lift people half his age. The Asian guy is buff like a tall Jackie Chan and doesn’t waste his time with anything less than 2/3 of the weight stack. Sometimes one of them arrives first and just sits completely idle to wait for his buddy, but when both are present they go nonstop from station to station, taking turns closely spotting each other with an intensity like those energy drink commercials. They only do upper-body exercises and sometimes shout with each rep. One would be forgiven to confuse them with college frat boys.
Masked Latinas
These two are the female and Spanish-speaking counterpart to the Powerhouse Retirees. The short one looks to be at least 60, has a belly, and is saggy all over. The tall one has a body that any 50-year-old woman would envy. They stick closely together but usually work on different things, and rotate through all sorts of exercises all over the gym like a PE textbook. Seeing them around taught me a couple new exercises. I have no idea what their faces look like because they wear masks religiously. It seems very difficult to keep faces covered while working out so hard. Mad respect there.
The Yin-Yang couples
These lover are mostly seen on weekends, moving from station to station together like Mandarin ducks. Evidence points each case to a girl indulging her new boyfriend in his favorite past time: on one hand he’s got excessively ripped muscles under that sleeveless shirt, effortlessly lifting a majority of the weight stack on his turn; on the other hand she bench presses one or two weight plates while wearing full makeup, painted nails, and fashionable Pilates outfit. Do couples who lift together stay together? Time will tell I suppose.
Family of Three
I’ve decided that these three middle-aged people are a polyamorous family unit. One of them is the absolute average American lady on menopause. The next is a petite woman with crazy ripped muscles. Then there’s the alpha of the three, a bald Mr. T with a gray beard and a body mass the sum of his two female companions. Sure, it’s possible that they are merely a group of close friends… but they are unnaturally glued together, from arrival to departure and always work at the same weight machine. Also, despite their physical proximity, the three of them barely have any conversations with one another. It’s as if they already spend all their time together, and yet this invisible bond keeps them from doing things independently.
The Happy Trio
Most regulars at the gym definitely enjoy working out, but you hardly ever see anyone loving it the way these three young girls do. A short brunette, a plain-looking Asian, and a tall blonde fully embrace everything the gym has to offer, going from machines to free weights to Pilates to stretches. Whatever it is they do, they appear to be having a better time at the gym than I ever did at a college party. The blonde girl often lets down her head of long, straight hair, and yet it somehow never gets tangled during her workouts.
The Happy Trio are good friends with a big, jolly Asian guy who looks like the side kick in every Adachi Mitsuru manga.
Maui
This happy, chatty, big Pacific Islander with multiple body tattoos is the real life version of Moana’s Maui. He trains exclusively with a demigodly amount of free weights, but is never in a hurry to do the next set. Instead, Maui loves engaging with random people in lively conversations.
The Treadmill Strollers
On the other end of the spectrum from Iron Men and She Hulks are those who buy gym memberships just to subsidize the rest of us. A constant stream of them would get on the treadmill, put on the headphone, tune the setting to 1 mph, and spent the rest of the time watching a video on the phone. It’s a sure way to burn fewer calories than walking around the mall with a large soda in hand.
Circus Man
When this tall, skinny, zero-body-fat man wearing black from head to toe appears at the gym, it’s never clear if he comes to workout… or to put on a show. Sure it’s impressive to hang from the TRX bar and do reverse Russian twists or anti-gravity crunches, but what’s the meaning in casually blowing through 100 continuous reps? I’m curious if this guy can block bullets with his abs of steel. Let’s not even mention those unnaturally perfect side splits that he also throws around from time to time.
Chinese Auntie
This lady’s exercises stand out at this gym but would fit right in at any public square in Shanghai. With a blend of what I’d call warm-up routines, dynamic stretches, and aerobic dance moves, her interactions with the gym equipment are limited to holding and leaning on them to maintain balance. She’d also win the award for being the most conservatively dressed, with arms and legs fully covered in pinkish sweats and face always under a mask.
Man of Thunder
Dropping weights is detrimental to the workout, damaging to the equipment, and annoying to everyone else, but effective at getting the entire gym to count your reps for you. This lean, mustached Southeast Asian man with shiny hair perfectly oiled and combed back like the 1980s Chow Yun-Fat is really good at it. No matter which exercise machine he’s at, the two halves of the weight stack bang together by the full gravitational force after each exertion, sending rhythmic beats to every eardrum nearby.
Mr. Lucky Guy
Generally speaking, the gym is a place where you see reaping and sowing in real time. From beanpoles to Schwarzenegger Juniors, patrons tend to have physiques proportional to their workout intensity. In other words, they put in effort worthy of the bodies they have built.
And then we have Mr. Lucky Guy, dressed in a wife beater to display his ripped body and impressive biceps. As he sits there at a weight station scrolling through the phone, you bet he is looking for the right beats for a killer workout. After he looks for that song for… 10 minutes??, he puts the phone down and you anticipate some Hulking action. Then he picks up a 10-pound dumbbell and lifts it six times. Okay… maybe that’s how he warms up? But he puts it down, walks to another station, and resumes playing with the phone. Finally, he does a few sloppy crunches and exits the gym. That’s it!? How does one get a body like that and work less hard than preschoolers on the playground?
GAP Japan Guy
This guy always wears the same GAP Japan t-shirt.
She-Borat
Middle-aged lady who had her plastic surgeon turn the breast augmentation dial to 11 out of 10 wears the Borat suit to the gym so everything is visible… from just about any distance.
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